This week, I’ve been reflecting on an intrinsically tender, tangled and somewhat messy part of being human: people-pleasing.

At its simplest, people-pleasing is just a way we try to be liked, to be included, to be part of something - to feel like we belong. That’s deeply human. I speak of this a lot. We are social creatures, wired for connection. From the moment we’re born we depend on others for survival, and so much of our nervous system - our sense of safety - depends on the cues we get from the people around us. And we are constantly, unconsciously, scanning for those cues of safety - so is it any wonder we may fall into people-pleasing ways more often than we may like?

So, of course, we all people-please to some extent. It’s in the polite “thank you” to the barista making our coffee, the smile at a stranger, the small talk as we buy our groceries. It’s in wanting to be liked, to be seen as kind, to be part of our community around us. It’s beautiful. These small gestures remind us that we are human - that kindness is a natural part of who we are. They connect us to others and make the world a little softer, gentler, and a little more welcoming.

But sometimes that human instinct - this deep yearning to belong - can get tangled up with old wounds and grow into something much more uncomfortable.

For many of us, people-pleasing started as a survival strategy. Maybe you grew up in a home where love was conditional, or where conflict felt dangerous. You learned that to be safe, you had to keep the peace. You had to be agreeable, helpful, easy to love. You had to dampen down or hide your own needs, your own voice, your own anger - because someone else’s comfort/needs were made to feel more important than your own.

And that part of you that learned to people-please - that part was brilliant. That part kept you safe. That part learned to read the room, to anticipate others’ needs, to sense the subtlest shift in someone’s tone of voice. It’s an incredible skill - an inner knowing that runs deep because it had to! Can you see how your people-pleasing may have started out as this?

But over time, that adaptive protective behaviour can cost us.

It can leave us feeling like we’re living on a stage - performing for approval instead of showing up as our messy, real selves. It can leave us exhausted - saying yes when we mean no, feeling guilty for wanting rest, carrying the emotional load of everyone around us - it’s simply not sustainable and it’s simply harming our mental health.

It can make us afraid of disappointing others, terrified of conflict, unsure of who we really are. It can tie our sense of worth to how useful, helpful, or likeable we are - so that when someone’s disappointed, we feel worthless - we feel to blame.

And the sad truth is people-pleasing disconnects us from ourselves.

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We have never learned, or at least forget, what we want, what we need. We forget how to listen to the quiet voice inside that says - This is too much. I need space. I need care. We lose sight of this.

But untangling ourselves from people-pleasing starts with compassion. With recognising that people-pleasing began as a way to survive. It was an adaptive technique that kept you safe, kept you connected, kept you from being alone. I wonder how it feels to simply sit with this for a little while - let this settle over you. You were simply trying to survive.

You needed this survival strategy once but maybe it’s time to let it know that you don’t need it to take the lead anymore.

And now, little by little, you can start to practice a new way of being - one where you matter, too.

My go to healing plan for recovering people-pleasers:

Pause
Before you say yes, take a breath. Ask yourself: Do I really want to do this? Am I saying yes because I’m afraid of disappointing someone? Give yourself permission to wait before answering. What would you choose if you didn’t have to worry about other people’s emotions or response?

Start Small
You don’t have to change who you are beyond recognition overnight. Begin small - maybe declining a coffee date you don’t have energy for or choosing not to over-explain a boundary. Every small act of truth builds trust with yourself. It will feel uncomfortable at first but with practice it has a chance to become easier.

Compassion
Each evening, get reflective: Where did I abandon myself today? What can I do differently tomorrow? Speak to yourself like you would a friend.

Let Go of Being Liked by Everyone.
Remind yourself that not everyone’s approval is necessary - and not everyone’s disappointment is a sign that you’re doing something wrong. Other people’s reactions to you or your ‘no’ is not yours to carry. Let yourself be you, and trust that the right people will stay.

Support
It’s important to hold an awareness that sometimes people-pleasing is rooted in deeper wounds such as trauma, attachment, or learned survival strategies. If, when reading this post you consider your people-pleasing may have deeper roots please know that therapy can be a powerful space to untangle those patterns and practice new ways of being you.

And please know that healing people-pleasing isn’t about becoming someone new - it’s about coming home to the person you were before you thought you had to earn love.

Gosh, I’ve loved writing this post today - it’s actually based on a podcast episode I recorded last week - I’m linking this below in case anyone would like to listen: I Don't Think We Talk Enough About ... People-Pleasing

I’d love to hear how people-pleasing shows up in your life and where I can help or signpost you to more resources - let me know in the comments or by email and I’ll try to help where I can.

Thank you for being here.

Sending love as always,

Helen x